ARE WE REALLY MAD IN LAGOS?

   Inasmuch as u would love the topic to be a rhetoric one, I would appreciate your comments, how true is this?

Few months ago, I was driving to a pharmacy when an impatient driver came up beside me and tried to manoeuvre his way ahead, I stayed on my lane and observed all through till he brushed my side mirror.

I hit the pedal to the floor, overtook him, and then switched off the car engine. Passers-by stopped like an anthem was to be played, while motorists behind us waited patiently, like they were anticipating a fight ... none of them honked their horn!

I saw there was no dent, but the stage was already set for a drama - so the brawl started and I was really furious with this lad till a man on a bike (okada) rode up to me and asked, after taking a toothpick out of his mouth, "Den bash your car?"

"No,"

"Your light break?"

"NO!" I replied, "But why should he ..." "Make una wait," he interrupted, "operation MESA dey come for back". And that was all it took to get me in my car and we both sped off!

Lagos, the commercial hub of West Africa, is a mega-fast city, where no one plays a fool and where an innocent face could turn monstrous with little or no provocation.

There is commotion and noise almost everywhere as everyone is on the move (some of the people may not even know exactly where they are going, but that doesn't deter them from being in a hurry). Of course, you don't want to blow your cover that you're lost or walking aimlessly, lol.

In Lagos, being normal is crazy in a way, so it is not out of place to witness some cracked up scenes which, in normal climes, will be out of place but here in Lagos, we take them as normal occurrences ... In fact, we truly deserve some accolades.

Some Lagosians leave their house to work as early as 4am in order to beat the rush hour and woe betide you if, on your way back you experience a heavy downpour ... then the fight for public transport ensues, then there is serious traffic, and flood everywhere. Don't be dismayed, this situation is termed, 'Fashola is working'.

Lagosians can't be described in one word yet I can say this; an average Lagosian is smart, vocal, thick-skinned, easily provoked but surprisingly seems to play down anything that comes across as stress ... and we sure love good music, don't we?

In furtherance of the spirit of Lagos, I would like to share some funny things that happen only in Lagos and which makes Lagosians unique.

• It is only in Lagos that someone would step on you from behind and still accuse you of walking too slow ... (with a hiss!)

• The kind of traffic experienced in Lagos should be unlawful! Little wonder the state governor, Akinwunmi Ambode, is constructing a 4th mainland bridge. There are some roads in Lagos where the traffic is so congested that people sleep in the bus at night and when they get to their bus stop, they alight and turn back to start going back to work!

Exps: Ikorodu road, Ikotun, Apapa.

• Places of worship - I would say the proliferation of churches and mosques in Lagos is becoming unbearable, but I don't want to be thought of as a pagan and stoned to death, so I'll just continue ... apparently, mosques now hold services on Sundays too, with their sermons blaring through large Public Address Systems; on the other divide, like four churches per street would beat drums and sekèrés. All these translate to a conundrum for someone seeking to worship God in peace.

• Can we forget agege bread and ewa-agoyin? Aahhhhhhh ... (blushes). Give me, a typical omo-eko, mayo-spread on agege bread with ewa-agoyin and I will disseminate any information you want lol.

Lagosians, even those living in high-brow areas, do not play with this meal - they relish it. Even its aroma gratifies the palate; and this is one reason I miss Lagos whenever I travel out.

• In Lagos everybody is a hustler, whether rich or poor, but some exceptional hustlers these days are beggars. Their hustle is real and lit!

I was in a bus at CMS, I was exhausted from work and was waiting patiently for more passengers, then a guy joined me in front and we began chatting. Before long, a beggar came up to us, his shirt was tucked in and he wore pinstriped trousers; he spoke like he was forcing a whisper out, "Brothers please - you would never see hard days in your life. I am an ND holder in computer science and i am ashamed that I am lowered to this - please I went for a job interview in VI, it was during the interview I found out my wallet with all my transport money had dropped in the bus. The interview ended 12 and I've been walking since, I haven't eaten and I'm going to Apapa".

I was about to tell him that I hadn't eaten too and just had my bus fare with me when the passenger beside me snapped, "See this man! No be you den give money for the other bus? That money reach 350!".

He left quickly. Before we could say, 'driver, call passenger naa!' another man came along with a long grumpy face and said that - 'his son is in the hospital and needs immediate help to buy expensive drugs'.

We didn't say anything, we were just observing. How about the ones that are always in need of 50 naira to complete their transport money or to eat? Lagos na waoh!

• In Lagos, everybody wearing a uniform is an officer of the road - so when driving, you have to put on your 4G-multicolor eyes on, of not ... hmmm. Let me stop shaking this table cause my good uncle is seated there lol.

Some of them even hold camera phones as a veritable tool for the unwary pedestrian ... So when next you want to take a leak on the streets or cross the express, beware, you might just be 'Caught In The Act'.

TALES BY MOONLIGHT

So sometimes I go gothic, I'm sorry - my mind just gets twisted like that sometimes when I'm hungry ... or bored. Just like a certain controversial politician from Akwa-Ibom said they couldn't support the bill of the devil cause he would use them for pepper soup ... Lol.
Let me be that devil tonight, so grab your horns, pour some wine and let's drink to these little fables of which number 1 and 2 happened to me in reality; so they aren't exactly tales by moonlight *smiles*


1. Lost and Found

      Last month a friend rushed me out of the jetty to catch the match between Argentina and Crotia at a tush bar around complex, Lekki. After a few drinks I realized my phone wasn’t in my pocket. I checked the table we were sitting at, the bar, the restroom, and after no luck I used my friend’s phone to call mine.
 After two rings someone answered, and i said "Hello?" quivering and smiling sheepishly hoping to start begging. I waited for an answer but heard only a deep slow breath, then the person gave out a low raspy giggle, and hung up. They didn’t answer again.
I smiled sheepishly again as I returned to my seat. The girl sitting beside me was empathetic and recounted how she lost a phone too, I just smiled and shook my head, "My contacts".  I eventually gave it up as a lost cause and headed home. I found my phone laying on my nightstand, right where I left it.
I stay alone.



2. “Yeeeeeeeees?“

When I was a child my family moved to a big old two-floor house, with big empty rooms and creaking floorboards. Both my parents worked in LUTH idi-araba while i was the only child that schooled in Lagos, as a day-student, because of my frequent asthma attacks so I was often alone when I came home from school. One early evening when I came home the house was still dark.

I called out, “Mummy?” and heard her sing song voice say “Yeeeeees?” from upstairs. I called her again as I climbed the stairs to see which room she was in, and again got the same “Yeeeeees?” reply. She normally replied that way, slurringly dragging her words when she was busy.
She and my dad were fixing the interior designs (and all our calabar family pictures that would eventually make the house look like a gallery lol) at the time, and I didn’t know my way around the maze of rooms but she was in one of the far ones, right down the corridor.
 I felt uneasy, but I figured that was only natural so I rushed forward to see my mum, knowing that her presence would calm frayed nerves, as a mother’s presence always does.

Just as I reached for the handle of the door to let myself in to the room I heard the front door downstairs open and my mother call “Sweetie, are you home?” in a cheery voice. I was shook!!! I startled and ran down the stairs to her, but as I glanced back from the top of the stairs, the door to the room slowly opened a crack. For a brief moment, I saw something strange in there, and I don’t know what it was, but it was staring at me.
She had very long hair and a black face, no - my mum was on Anita baker ... I died.

3.  Yaba WHAT???

A man leaves his house every morning to work and passes Yaba-Left (a mental hospital) In the 70's it was surrounded by a wooden fence and every morning the patients are out in the yard and he can hear them saying in unison,

“10, 10, 10, 10, 10”.

One day, he gets curious and looks through a hole in the fence.

Suddenly, a stick shoots out and pokes him in the eye.

“JESUS!!! He says to himself.

While walking away vexing with himself he can hear the patients saying,

“11, 11, 11, 11, 11”


So that's all folks ... tomorrow is Monday, another jostling for transport before the cock crows and hoping not to see zombies on the way Lool.

Tchau!