ARE WE REALLY MAD IN LAGOS?

   Inasmuch as u would love the topic to be a rhetoric one, I would appreciate your comments, how true is this?

Few months ago, I was driving to a pharmacy when an impatient driver came up beside me and tried to manoeuvre his way ahead, I stayed on my lane and observed all through till he brushed my side mirror.

I hit the pedal to the floor, overtook him, and then switched off the car engine. Passers-by stopped like an anthem was to be played, while motorists behind us waited patiently, like they were anticipating a fight ... none of them honked their horn!

I saw there was no dent, but the stage was already set for a drama - so the brawl started and I was really furious with this lad till a man on a bike (okada) rode up to me and asked, after taking a toothpick out of his mouth, "Den bash your car?"

"No,"

"Your light break?"

"NO!" I replied, "But why should he ..." "Make una wait," he interrupted, "operation MESA dey come for back". And that was all it took to get me in my car and we both sped off!

Lagos, the commercial hub of West Africa, is a mega-fast city, where no one plays a fool and where an innocent face could turn monstrous with little or no provocation.

There is commotion and noise almost everywhere as everyone is on the move (some of the people may not even know exactly where they are going, but that doesn't deter them from being in a hurry). Of course, you don't want to blow your cover that you're lost or walking aimlessly, lol.

In Lagos, being normal is crazy in a way, so it is not out of place to witness some cracked up scenes which, in normal climes, will be out of place but here in Lagos, we take them as normal occurrences ... In fact, we truly deserve some accolades.

Some Lagosians leave their house to work as early as 4am in order to beat the rush hour and woe betide you if, on your way back you experience a heavy downpour ... then the fight for public transport ensues, then there is serious traffic, and flood everywhere. Don't be dismayed, this situation is termed, 'Fashola is working'.

Lagosians can't be described in one word yet I can say this; an average Lagosian is smart, vocal, thick-skinned, easily provoked but surprisingly seems to play down anything that comes across as stress ... and we sure love good music, don't we?

In furtherance of the spirit of Lagos, I would like to share some funny things that happen only in Lagos and which makes Lagosians unique.

• It is only in Lagos that someone would step on you from behind and still accuse you of walking too slow ... (with a hiss!)

• The kind of traffic experienced in Lagos should be unlawful! Little wonder the state governor, Akinwunmi Ambode, is constructing a 4th mainland bridge. There are some roads in Lagos where the traffic is so congested that people sleep in the bus at night and when they get to their bus stop, they alight and turn back to start going back to work!

Exps: Ikorodu road, Ikotun, Apapa.

• Places of worship - I would say the proliferation of churches and mosques in Lagos is becoming unbearable, but I don't want to be thought of as a pagan and stoned to death, so I'll just continue ... apparently, mosques now hold services on Sundays too, with their sermons blaring through large Public Address Systems; on the other divide, like four churches per street would beat drums and sekèrés. All these translate to a conundrum for someone seeking to worship God in peace.

• Can we forget agege bread and ewa-agoyin? Aahhhhhhh ... (blushes). Give me, a typical omo-eko, mayo-spread on agege bread with ewa-agoyin and I will disseminate any information you want lol.

Lagosians, even those living in high-brow areas, do not play with this meal - they relish it. Even its aroma gratifies the palate; and this is one reason I miss Lagos whenever I travel out.

• In Lagos everybody is a hustler, whether rich or poor, but some exceptional hustlers these days are beggars. Their hustle is real and lit!

I was in a bus at CMS, I was exhausted from work and was waiting patiently for more passengers, then a guy joined me in front and we began chatting. Before long, a beggar came up to us, his shirt was tucked in and he wore pinstriped trousers; he spoke like he was forcing a whisper out, "Brothers please - you would never see hard days in your life. I am an ND holder in computer science and i am ashamed that I am lowered to this - please I went for a job interview in VI, it was during the interview I found out my wallet with all my transport money had dropped in the bus. The interview ended 12 and I've been walking since, I haven't eaten and I'm going to Apapa".

I was about to tell him that I hadn't eaten too and just had my bus fare with me when the passenger beside me snapped, "See this man! No be you den give money for the other bus? That money reach 350!".

He left quickly. Before we could say, 'driver, call passenger naa!' another man came along with a long grumpy face and said that - 'his son is in the hospital and needs immediate help to buy expensive drugs'.

We didn't say anything, we were just observing. How about the ones that are always in need of 50 naira to complete their transport money or to eat? Lagos na waoh!

• In Lagos, everybody wearing a uniform is an officer of the road - so when driving, you have to put on your 4G-multicolor eyes on, of not ... hmmm. Let me stop shaking this table cause my good uncle is seated there lol.

Some of them even hold camera phones as a veritable tool for the unwary pedestrian ... So when next you want to take a leak on the streets or cross the express, beware, you might just be 'Caught In The Act'.