DRIVING COMPETENCY LESSONS - FOR LAGOSIANS ONLY

• Fear No Bagga
• Every motorist is mad, act accordingly.
• Immediately lock all doors and windows if you see LASTMA or VIO approaching your vehicle.
• Yield to danfos, kekes, BRTs, and other commercial vehicles.
• If you like don't yield when you see trailer.
• Don't yield to anybody else, they are all mad.
• If you are 'on speed' you have the right-of-way.
• Do not give way to traffic coming from any direction.      There are exceptions: See 4 and 5.
• You will often have to socialise with other motorists. Be prepared. Words such as 'mumu', 'ode', 'ewu', 'idiot' and so on, should be practised beforehand.
• You are expected to hoot your horn as loudly as you can once every half kilometre.
• When changing lanes in traffic ... Look face.
• Lane markings in Lagos are suggestions.
• When rain is falling and visibility is reduced, increase your speed.
• If a fellow motorist 'brushes' your car, you are expected to immediately stop in the middle of the road and sort things out. 
• Accidents with G-wagons and other similarly expensive cars should be resolved as follows:  if it is your fault you have 2 choices; 1. Exit your car and vanish (via okada or Usain bolt things, based on one and twos).   2. You can decide to lie on the floor and wail ... if you are a good crier (if not, resort to number 1).     If it is the G-wagon's fault, it means you've been paying your tithes. Cancel all meetings for the day and face the owner squarely; God has buttered your bread.
• The sidewalk is a spare lane.
• At toll gates, you are expected to form lanes equal to the square of the number of gates. E.g: If there are 5 gates, you should form 25 lanes. Lagos motorists adhere to this particular rule subconsciously and whoever defaults is stared at for 2 minutes.
• Please enjoy the local traffic cuisine while you snail your way through.
• We encourage motorists to live out their greatest GTA fantasy on our adrenaline-filled roads.
• The use of seatbelt is compulsory at all times for your safety.