Some months ago when Pastor E.A. Adeboye
said that Christian spinsters should not marry jobless men, many critics took
to social media (even a former Nigerian pastor!) and threw shades at the man of
God and dissected this particular statement amongst others. Their major grievance
was that God created woman out of man to be his helper, and God’s blessings and
grace are abundant on newly married couples. The bible speaks to us in context
but most people fail to see this and would rather interpret it to justify their
conscience.
Irrespective of whose axe is gored, I personally think a man
has to find work in his hands before proposing to a woman. I have been in this
boat so I know what I am talking about. I’ll use the experience of Kikelomo as
a case study, whose mother toiled with her father while they courted; her
father was unemployed initially while her mother worked as a banker.
She endured the hardship, supported him
financially and emotionally and fought her family relentlessly till they both
tied the knot. Though they got married, most of the financial burden was on her
mother as she emptied her account to fund the ‘not-so-elaborate’ wedding. She
had turned deaf ears to her parent’s plea to test other rivers and ditch her
heartthrob, so her parents came reluctantly but didn’t contribute any “alala”
(as my father would say lol). Her father later got a job at NLNG as a reservoir
engineer – one would think that this would come as a blessing but their
marriage rather took a downward trajectory.
1.
He suddenly stopped being a
loving husband
2.
He traveled often (saying
he was looking for greener pastures for the family)
3.
He started spotting all his
wife’s flaws he once overlooked
4.
He distanced himself from
his family and drew closer to his elder sister
5.
He became an unrepentant
womanizer
Her mother had a hole in her heart no one could fill, her
spirit thinned out like a single poker card. Then one day, she called Kikelomo
to her room and said, “Do you know that jeep your Aunt uses? … Your father
bought it for her. He said his mother is getting old and can’t be walking up
and down. That new contract he just got too, I told him to give me money to
start a supermarket, he said he wants to invest in his sister’s farm that when
his investment yields interest, he will give me”. Her mother told her this,
regrettably, against the backdrop of how her father now treated the family now
that she was jobless. She advised Kikelomo not to marry an unemployed man for
the sake of love.
Now 7 years later, Kikelomo met Dennis, a Master’s degree
holder (who is currently running a Ph.D program in Unilag); she loves Dennis so
much and wants to get married to him by hook or crook. Dennis is unemployed. He
however, applies for jobs day-in, day-out and does some menial blue-collar jobs
to keep mind, body, and soul together.
As
often as it is said, the past is a foreign country – Kikelomo feels this way
and wants to marry Dennis against all odds. She told her mum men are different,
that her mum should pray for her positively. Kikelomo is now 25 and works at a
multi-national company as a network programmer. Now, would you advise Kike to
go ahead and marry her knight in a ‘… not so shiny amour?’ or to hold on a bit,
or test other waters as her mother advised?
Let us consider the reality and leave out bias, because I am a man also.
Most men are generally uncomfortable when their women become more successful
than they are. You can imagine what it will be if the man has no job at all.
Mind games would set in and, on the one hand, he would think that his wife is
sleeping with other men to make up for the anomaly in the home (because that’s
what it is), and might not believe her when she says she got her salary
reviewed and raised. On the other hand, she would get easily irritated and
upset that he didn’t help her with any house chore but kept them all for her …
love alone can’t handle these.
As a man, when you do not have a job the translation is that
you are not ready for marriage. For any man to wear the marriage belt, he
should at least have a job, own a house (even a self-contained apartment) and
be willing to cater for someone else. Outside that, the man will never be happy
in that house – he can only pretend to be. The onus lies on the man to provide
for his family, if he ignores this responsibility and is driven by his emotions
to get married, the adverse effect could have a negative multiplier-effect on
his marriage:
1.
His ego would naturally be
bruised (because his friends would be working)
2.
He would feel his wife is
‘suddenly’ getting authoritative and bossy
3.
He would stop helping her
with chores after a quarrel or two
4.
Sub-consciously, he would
start scheming of other ways he can display his masculinity
5.
His wife will become easily
irritated
6.
It is more intense when
kids are involved
Even his family members and friends won’t be happy with him
and no wife will equally be happy when she’s seen as the Commander-in-Chief
while her husband becomes follower. A
lot of women have had to go through pains in the hands of some jobless men who
squander their money, beat them up (in some cases), and accuse them of having
extra-marital affairs; this is the same marriage they so stridently advocated
for. The end result is usually a divorce or he gets a good job and then the
tables would turn … the dilemma would now take an interestingly new turn after
the erstwhile jobless hubby finds a good paying job. It is often said, money
reveals a man’s true character:
1.
He doesn’t just regain his
lost masculinity, but assumes position as Lord of the Manor
2.
He would find a way of
hoarding his money
3.
If he was a flirt, being
temporarily broke wouldn’t draw the virus out of his bloodstream … he just put
a pause to the habit. He would now become a chronic womanizer
4.
The wife will, slowly but
certainly, become a nagging woman
I should categorically state here that a few good men defy
these imbroglio and end up being loving husbands. These are the men we should
emulate; and by their fruits you shall know them … (they fear God).
However, it turns out to be a different kettle of fish if
the man initially had a job before getting married and then lost it as a
husband. The psyche of he and his wife would be much more positive and she
would be naturally inclined to respect his ideas. The choice of a life partner
is not a very cheap one. It is a decision that can make or mar your joy for a
whole lifetime, so be wise. The bible also told us that the woman is a helper –
that’s the way she was designed, that’s why the case of gender equality on the
home front is flawed. The woman is not supposed to bear the entire burden in
the family alone; we shouldn’t live in ignorance of the word of God.
Let us not deceive ourselves with ‘only the emotional
aspects’ of love and disregard its true meaning. African men especially, are
simply not cut out for this kind of arrangement; a woman with a jobless man
will have to do double work to sustain that marriage, or she should pray that
it avails for only a short while before succor comes. Prayer breaks all
boundaries, no doubt, and a wife that prays with, and for her husband can
weather any storm. But the fact a couple or two walked down the aisle this way
shouldn’t give one leeway to walk down that road. You might not be so lucky!
Your spouse might turn out to be the monster you never knew. She might actually
be guilty of infidelity and become bossy just to show her frustration with you
– what will you do? “Oya goan find
money na!!? I’m tired”, would be her reply.
Woman, what if that loving, energetic guy (who loved working
out) suddenly stopped being hardworking, would just watch DSTV everyday and eat
all the food in the fridge, leave all the plates and clothes for you (well, he
certainly would!) and you still find out he’s cheating on you? Is that the kind
of marriage you envisaged?
Edakun ooo … me I am just talking my own, lol, I am not trying to burst
anybody’s bubble. I fear that my conclusions may appear trivial and mundane to
some, but trust me, finance is key and a major factor for any home to succeed
and let me re-iterate here that “Love alone cannot sustain a marriage”. I think
the man and the woman planning to get married should have something doing
because nobody will come from elsewhere to pay their bills. It takes two to
tango.
Please advise Kikelomo on what to do through your comments,
it is a True Life Story.
No comments:
Post a Comment