A LEOPARD'S SPOTS AND TRIBAL MARKS

They say a leopard never changes it's spots ... I think to myself as I knot my tie till it hurt ... "Well, I'm not a leopard? I'm a hausa christian from Borno state or an ex-con with scars just out from Alcatraz or kirikiri prison or a prophet with tribal marks trying to ... *muaaah!* 

Henrietta planted a wet kiss on my neck, it sent shivers down my spine, like the effect a clipper would have on a child having his first haircut.
I held her face, "Henri ... Stop. You don't have to do this". My eyes were closed. I didn't want to open them because I knew I wouldn't like the view in the mirror, but I knew if she flung me to the bed and tore my clothes with a horsewhip I wouldn't scream rape. 
Just then, she grabbed my balls and fondled it.
"Whoa! Whoa!!" ... I pushed her back, "whoa, calm down ..."
"You relax noow ... You got me horny, Ben". She bit her lip and did a little lap dance pulling her skirt so I could see her polka dot pants. I sat on the bed, "Henri ... Sit down. Sit down," I heaved a sigh of relief as she sat down with a thud, her face so close and her lips inviting - She was just drop-dead gorgeous ... though the stench from her breath was of cheap alcohol. Isn't this all a brother prays for?
Why was I just looking at the cookie jar with a stiff D? I was also looking at myself through her eyes - I was fighting seriously. I held her hand.
"Henrietta Solomon ... You're just a hypnotic bottle," I laughed. "And you've got a hard-on ... Still". She replied.
"Yeah ... Ignore him. He's my achilles heel, he'll go down when he wants to irregardless of my thoughts. We had a deal Henrietta"
"Yes, we still have a deal, Big Ben ..." Just then I snapped "My name's not Big Ben, I'm Ubong! All that social media stuff, the tweets, the posts, are just for gags. I promise you, you will get the job and we will ...," I stuttered "we will be good friends. It's not just nice like this. My conscience and posterity will judge me!"

Okay, pause, press rewind - a month ago, I was in a bus enroute CMS and this light skinned girl sat beside me. I was tired and losing a game of chess on my phone when she smiled, "you should have used your knight". I won the game and I thought she was Mrs. Einstein reincarnated.
We got talking like we knew each other and trust Lagos commuters, they would turn back from time to time to give me this weird look.
She told me she was in dire need of a job and I told her I'd be on the lookout. We forgot to exchange numbers as we kept talking and laughing till she alighted from the bus. A really black dude in the bus said, "You dey talk, you no collect number". SHIT!
I calmly begged the driver, in yoruba, to wait a bit, so I called to her and got her number.
She waved and gesticulated "Call me!"
      
      Last week, my younger sister said her company was in need of an admin officer, preferably female. That was how I called Henrietta and told her to come before 7:45am so my sister could see and assess her. No, she didn't.

She got here by 9:30, all sweaty and nervous. Apapa holdup, she said. I could relate.
"But that's no excuse, you know? If you start working ... "
"I knowww ..." she begged. "I'm sorrrry! This is such a bad first impression". I apologized too and gave her cold water. I struck a deal with her after seeing her excitement and I prepped her on questions to expect.
She said in all honesty she thought it was a scam and almost didn't show up, but a neighbour encouraged her to.
She was to give me #10,000 from her salary for the first 3 months - cheap shot, right?
I really needed the cash. She was elated. She said she could even make it a one-off payment and told me various stories of how girls she knew in Lagos would do anything to land a 50k job. Hers was 85.
Henrietta said she would stay until my sister got back, so I went to get noodles and eggs. She asked me to buy her chelsea dry gin (the medium bottle), lo and behold, this damsel finished the drink before I came out the kitchen with the food.
Okay o. Not a chance to even tell her I don't drink gin.
We finished eating and she said she wanted to take a nap. I loosened my tie and went back to work on some editing job my pastor sent me.
Henrietta called me after 30 minutes so we could chat. My mistake. So here I was, battling with my flesh.

        Least I forget, I used to be the wrongest guy to pull this kinna stunt with, I could read body language like two magnets with opposite poles, but then I met Jesus, the lover of my soul. It's been a different kettle of fish since then, but I wonder why the temptations keep coming.
Henrietta ran away with my 30k but we kept being good friends.

MORTICIANS IN THE HALLOWED CHAMBERS (PART 2)

 

   ... ( Cont'd) The same people who can stop the madness are the beneficiaries. It is this anomaly that makes the constitution governing Nigerian politics a very unfortunate oxymoron.
How can the same people that can sanitise the National Assembly be the same individuals who are there to recoup campaign costs and also “hammer”(make more money)?

How did we get to this point?
Why are nomination forms for political positions unduly expensive? Why has no one tried to ever challenge the legitimacy of this madness?
Imagine the presidential nomination form going as high as 40million naira for the major political parties? Why should it be so?
The simple consequence of this nonsense is two fold:

1. It automatically rules out people who are not thieves or rich from aspiring for public positions.

2. It makes those who aspire to eventually win and chase how to recoup their money and even steal/make more.

And this particular problem is the reason why our elected officials across the different positions including those going into the all-important National Assembly ONLY get elected and first think of getting back the monies they spent to get in.
That’s a very unfortunate reality. For the average Nigerian, when we think of thieving politicians, we only think in terms of the Executive- like the President or Governors.

But we forget one simple fact-
The only reason the Executive engages in stealing & lawlessness is because the legislature is incompetent.
So, the only reason the members of the Executive can steal without caution is because the National Assembly has failed at its duty of curtailing executive madness and the lawmakers are themselves busy occupied with stealing their own portion of the proverbial National Cake.

So if you have a Governor who steals a state dry, it is either because the House of Assembly is practically in his pocket doing his bidding, or because the lawmakers are themselves corrupt thieves who have absolutely no moral confidence to probe and investigate the executive.
And that’s why I’m of the deep conviction that the ONLY way to truly fix the country and its problem of incompetent governance is to fix the National Assembly.

     However, if you get the right people into the Legislature, they will curb the excesses of the Executive and ensure competence. So essentially, the power lies with you, the power lies with me.
The power starts when YOU carefully choose that person who represents your senatorial district at the Federal Capital and who stands for you at the State House of Assembly.
That’s the simple way to fix the country.

      Finally, we all somehow don’t bother about the kinds of characters who end up in the National Assembly and State Houses of Assembly, then we start to lament when the Executive continues or begins a tenure of perpetual incompetence, uncontrolled nepotism and blatant corruption.
Who were you thinking can stop the Executive from running mad?
Is it not the lawmakers?

But when we get carried away and only bother mostly with the Executive and pay no attention to the quality of people who fill the Houses of Assembly, then executive madness reigns supreme.
So ladies and gentlemen, it is not an easy task, but it is an easier, more realistic and more achievable task to put sensible people in the National Assembly (who will put the Executive on their toes), than to hope for an imaginary messiah with a magic wand
to sort all our pain.
That will almost NEVER happen. There’s no political messiah anywhere.

It is a lazy fanciful idea sold to politically naive infants who think the problem or solution to a country’s problems only require a political genie to occupy an Executive position.

Even IF theoretically, you do get a “good person” as President, AS LONG AS you have a compromised corrupt legislature, the fact is no actual work will ever be accomplished.

The answer lies in fixing the Legislature who can then ensure competence across all levels of government.

MORTICIANS IN THE HALLOWED CHAMBERS (Part 1)

      IF we truly want to fix Nigeria, we ONLY need to do ONE thing-

COMPLETELY make the Legislature financially unattractive.

That’s the ONLY seemingly simple step needed to truly fix the challenges of having opportunists in the National Assembly and of the Executive misbehaving.
IF you successfully make the Senate and Representative positions a totally unattractive office financially, you will start to get people who really want to serve the country and interests of the citizens will be the ones who aspire for the seat.

Unlike the current scavengers.
The Nigerian senator actually earns MORE than Donald Trump or Theresa May, and you wonder why people literally kill to get into the senate, why retired governors see it as a political nursing home and why the whole NASS National Assembly is just a comedy.

Do you now see why?

And this is why the National Assembly perpetually fails to do a thorough job at really checkmating excesses of the Executive (except in the few occasions where out of animosity they put up a faux opposition to government policies).

It’s all because they are not there to serve. And in my opinion I think it’s better to not just make the legislature financially unattractive, it should also be made PART TIME.
The reason being it will make people do something else to earn legitimate money so that they don’t have to take bribes or steal just to live well.

      When people are professional politicians and political opportunists with no source of livelihood apart from politicking is the reason why these people have no honour, no ideology, stand for nothing and change parties anyhow because they are loyal to their pockets.
Not the people.

       We must realise that the true power to change things and fix the country lies squarely with the legislature.

The President can choose to be unintelligent and unsmart but the onus lies with the National Assembly to keep him/her on his toes and kick him out IF he is incompetent.
But this will NEVER happen in a scenario where you call “lawmakers” people whose primary motivation for political office is to hold power, make money, disobey the law, enjoy the benefits of office and basically live as parasites off the commonwealth and resources of the people. The truth is that the office of the President ALONE is NOT where true power lies.

The true power lies in the National Assembly- those men and women who you elect (or fail to elect) are the real people who can make/change laws, curtail the President & basically fix the country.
And obviously the decision to make the National Assembly financially unattractive can only be made by the same opportunists who currently benefit from the jumbo salaries and pay packages. Is that not interesting?

REUNION

WHAT IS REUNION?

Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you are going to work.
You secretly meet your neighbor to make love with her. Her husband comes and knocks on the door. You hurriedly hide under the bed.
The husband enters and his wife says she wants to go to market to buy food items. The husband takes advantage of his wife's absence and calls your wife. Your wife arrives and they make love. Suddenly his wife (Your neighbour) who had gone to the market is back and knocks on the door. You're still under the bed and then your wife rushes to hide under the bed.
This is REUNION.???

THE INFORMATION AGE - WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

                Does money alone make you rich? 

The answer is no. We all know people who go to work everyday, working for money, making more money but fail to become richer. 

We also have that one friend that would say, "If I should just win 3million liedis ... Or bet9ja just pay me 1.7 lasaan" well, if wishes were horses ... 

There's the story of a golfer who spent thousands of dollars each year on new clubs and every new golf gadget that comes to the market. The problem is, he will not spend a dime on golf lessons, hence his golf game remains the same, even though he has the latest in golf equipment. If he invested his money in golf lessons and used last year's clubs, he might have been a better golfer. The same nutty phenomenon occurs in the game of money. Lots of Nigerians invest their money in businesses, mutual funds or real estate but invest almost nothing in information, hence their financial scores remain the same.

There have been 4 economic ages of humanity, the Hunter-Gatherer age, the Agrarian age, the Industrial age, and the Information age.

     People still think we're in the Industrial age where resources such as copper, oil, tin, and rubber were wealth, and where industrialization took over farm lands; that's why parents send their children to school, promise them great jobs if they graduate with good grades.

By hook or crook many fortunate students graduate with good grades but parents can't meet their own end of the bargain, so he or she is encouraged to learn a skill and drop the laminated certificate at home -  apparently there are hardly jobs awaiting B.Sc holders but nobody tells them that.

     However, it's the dawning of a new era, a golden age called information. That is what helps the graduate. He hones his skills and follows the trends, he reads and he practices. In this age, this is what separates the rich from the poor.
Abundant and inexpensive resources produce wealth, such as silicone, organic food, being an artist, ability to predict football scores; in other words, the price of getting rich has gone down ... with Information.

That is why a man can sell an inherited land laden with gold and use the proceeds to travel illegally to Spain in search of greener pastures. He simply lacked information.

     So, the good news is that information is abundant and free. The bad news is that ... information is abundant and free. The irony of the Information Age is that there is too much of it. Today, people complain about information overload. At any given moment a person can be watching telemundo, surfing the internet, and talking on the phone - while driving past Wizkid's endorsement ad on a digital billboard.
Isn't it funny that in previous ages, no one complained about too much land or oil?
Even in the military, wars are won with information ... the right ones lol. So ALWAYS make sure you verify the source of your information because it can make or mar you.

Bill Gates leverages on information, so does Dangote, and Mark Zuckerberg. You too, can leverage on this in whatever field of endeavor you find yourself.

DRIVING COMPETENCY LESSONS - FOR LAGOSIANS ONLY

• Fear No Bagga
• Every motorist is mad, act accordingly.
• Immediately lock all doors and windows if you see LASTMA or VIO approaching your vehicle.
• Yield to danfos, kekes, BRTs, and other commercial vehicles.
• If you like don't yield when you see trailer.
• Don't yield to anybody else, they are all mad.
• If you are 'on speed' you have the right-of-way.
• Do not give way to traffic coming from any direction.      There are exceptions: See 4 and 5.
• You will often have to socialise with other motorists. Be prepared. Words such as 'mumu', 'ode', 'ewu', 'idiot' and so on, should be practised beforehand.
• You are expected to hoot your horn as loudly as you can once every half kilometre.
• When changing lanes in traffic ... Look face.
• Lane markings in Lagos are suggestions.
• When rain is falling and visibility is reduced, increase your speed.
• If a fellow motorist 'brushes' your car, you are expected to immediately stop in the middle of the road and sort things out. 
• Accidents with G-wagons and other similarly expensive cars should be resolved as follows:  if it is your fault you have 2 choices; 1. Exit your car and vanish (via okada or Usain bolt things, based on one and twos).   2. You can decide to lie on the floor and wail ... if you are a good crier (if not, resort to number 1).     If it is the G-wagon's fault, it means you've been paying your tithes. Cancel all meetings for the day and face the owner squarely; God has buttered your bread.
• The sidewalk is a spare lane.
• At toll gates, you are expected to form lanes equal to the square of the number of gates. E.g: If there are 5 gates, you should form 25 lanes. Lagos motorists adhere to this particular rule subconsciously and whoever defaults is stared at for 2 minutes.
• Please enjoy the local traffic cuisine while you snail your way through.
• We encourage motorists to live out their greatest GTA fantasy on our adrenaline-filled roads.
• The use of seatbelt is compulsory at all times for your safety.

"YOU'RE A FEMINIST?? LOL ... WHAT'S THAT?"

Last week, someone said to me: “What does the word ‘feminism’ mean to you?” I recoiled, feeling uncomfortable.

On reflection, I avoid using this word not because I don’t believe in equality, but because of its negative connotations and the risk of shutting down a dialogue.

My reaction bothered me. A sick feeling at the pit of my stomach lingered, much like that time I ate boiled egg at work that I'm sure was really bad, which, for the record, ended in tears.

What had conditioned me to (violently) react this way? (I’m not talking about the eggs…)

After some internet (and soul) searching, I was relieved to read Martha Rampton’s view that, “Feminism’s perceived silence in the 1990s was a response to the successful backlash campaign by the conservative press and media, especially against the word feminism and its purported association with male-bashing and extremism.”

Martha went on to say that, “Some people… have trouble with the word ‘feminism,’ because of its older connotations of radicalism, and because the word feels like it is underpinned by assumptions of a gender binary and an exclusionary subtext: ‘for women only.‘”
... Martha Rampton is a professor at the Pacific University, U.S. and the director of Centre for Gender Equality.

Still curious, I started asking female friends the same question: What does feminism mean to you?

There were a lot of awkward reactions, and some declined to comment. Others were falling over themselves to share their thoughts. The responses I received from a 51 year-old male banker, a 13 year-old female secondary school student, and 12 other men and women, were revealing and uplifting. So much so, that my negative associations started to shift.

As for that favour? I’d love to know what the F-word means to you. Please share them in the comments, below or come and chat me on DM (twitter): @umoh___ubong

Is feminism all about gender equality? Does gender equality mean a lady should ask a guy out too?
Well, bite me if you can, but i strongly think they should, it'd be awesome!

Recently, I was watching an episode of Family Guy that touched on the topic of women asking men out. When the typical-teen-daughter character, Meg, asks her mother if it’s acceptable for her to make the first move and ask a guy out, her mother responds,

“Meg, are you asking me in this day and age, whether it’s appropriate for a girl to ask a boy out on a date? Of course it’s appropriate. It’s also sad and desperate and I would never do it, but you’re not me, are you sweetie?”
It got me thinking. Though you thirsty guys out there might be thinking this is what feminism entails, sadly it isn't. A man should do what a man should do and a woman shouldn't be in competition to out-do a man in what he should do, a woman should just be treated right and given equal opportunity as a man has - comprehende?

Helpfully, Merriam-Webster stepped in with the definition of ‘feminism’ “‘Feminism’ is defined as the advocacy of women's right on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men"'

So, what does feminism mean in 2018?

"For me the meaning of feminism and my relationship with it has changed a lot in the last 10 years. When I was in my early 20s I did not identify as a feminist, I associated feminism with aggression and hollywood movies.
But as I have grown older I have identified more and more as a feminist, as I have discovered more and more that the job really isn’t done, certainly not in many developing countries. So for me feminism is about striving for equal treatment regardless of gender in all forums, and it’s also about women who are lucky enough to live in developed countries to advocate and fight for the basic rights of women (particularly education) in countries where they are denied.

Omolare Adeojo, Lekki phase1

"Unfortunately the term ‘feminism’ has a negative connotation for me. I am for gender equality and have strong views on women’s issues and empowerment. I do feel, however, feminism is an ideology that can sometimes keep the blinkers on by focusing solely on women’s issues without considering the broader picture. I feel that perhaps sometimes feminism places blame on men for women and girls problems. This is a complicated issue but an issue that needs to be collectively addressed. We need to consider both genders if we are looking at gender equality. I would therefore say I am not a feminist – I am a gender equalist"
Lara Richards, Admiralty way

A very smart girl in her early 20s, Lara Richards, but please, help us not confuse ourselves here. Me self, i'm trying to grasp the concept ... (She went indept and said so much, kudos!)

 ... I met some other smart young girls and then some guys. Watch out for part two of this my little lekki survey - 

PREVENTION IS BETTER THAN CANCER

     We all fall sick, Christians and non Christians alike.
James 5:15 says, "The prayer of faith shall save the sick and the Lord will raise him up". Apostle Paul also said, "No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for your stomach's sake and your frequent infirmities" - 1Tim.5:23. These scriptures show us that it's not abnormal to fall sick as a Christian but as a Christian, its wise to get knowledge about how people fall sick and its preventive measures.
Bible says, "My people perish from lack of knowledge".


Now, basically people fall sick because free-radicals invade our body and our anti-oxidants are overpowered by them. In a nutshell, that's the process ALL SICKNESSES occur.
A radical is an atom, molecule, or ion that has an unpaired valence electron. It is called free because it roams freely looking for an atom to attach itself. Get it?

Generated Sources Of Free-Radicals
•  Toxic metals
•  Industrial chemicals
•  Conventional drugs + its abuse
•  Radiation
•  Pesticides
•  Chemically-treated crops
•  Processed foods
•  Alcohol
•  Cigarette smoke
•  Pollution (air, water) etc

These freely moving atoms look for atoms in our body to attach to, become stable, and cause problems.
Fortunately, our wonderful bodies produce anti-oxidants (e.g., glutathione, uric acid etc) and we get others from vegetables, fruits, exercise, and supplements, that fight back and neutralise the effects of these 'free-radicals' that want our early death.
Most of us go through life not knowing these facts.

Wear your spectacles, let me take you deeper!

• Do you know that keeping water in a plastic bottle for long under heat isn't really smart? These plastics react with heat from the sun and its molecules melt into your dear ol' water. Water becomes warm. It's like boiling water in a plastic kettle.
These build up free-radicals fast and overtime develop to cancer cells of some sort.
At this point, I would say drink water while it is cold, right? But what if your supplier kept all the cartons outside, under the intensity of the sun before delivery?

Real quick, another pointer: Some companies that provide their employees with lunch bring in bulk food daily. These foods are highly processed and are low in nutrients, contain high refined carbohydrates, and artificial ingredients, and high in sugar and fructose corn syrup. Eating these types of food 'daily for years' can pose serious risk to our health ranging from obesity, diabetes, heart disease and abdominal cancer.
But then again, what do you do???
   Just like a renowned dentist, Dr. Daniel E. Umoh of the College of Medicine University of Lagos, Idi-araba, once quipped, "Cancer cells grow in our body everyday, from polluted air, junk food, excessive alcohol intake, and prescribed drugs but our body has been built with a mechanism to fight off these invaders. You are diagnosed with cancer when your body can no longer fight a tumour that has grown 'overtime' due to a lifestyle of feeding it with more weapons to fight your body".
Knowingly or unknowingly most of us do this and wonder after 50 years where a malignant tumour came from. Certainly not from your father's house, or its foundation.

• Always microwaving your food in disposable packs too pose a risk because of harmful radiation burning through the food pack - rather use ceramic plates.

Preventive Measures
In all honesty, a doctor is happy when you pay him a visit, because he makes more money, gets you well (so he thinks), and hopes you come back later.
But we don't want to.

• So cut back on those calorie-happy junk foods
• Exercise regularly (most especially if you have a sedentary job).
N.B: Taking a brisk walk in the evenings would do. This is just as good as jogging, although some school of thought believe it is actually better.
• If you must eat late, stay up late, and then wake up late. No questions.
• Eat greens regularly (e.g., efò shoko, i.e., spinach).
• Buy fruits religiously - they contain powerful anti-oxidants.
• Practise deep and slow breathing everyday. Just for 5 mins, maybe during an evening stroll. Doing this alone can improve your health immensely.
       > It strengthens the walls of your blood vessels
       > It enhances blood circulation
       > It reduces your blood pressure
       > Relieves stress
       > Enhances sleep in minutes
       > It improves prostrate health
• Reduce stressful events in your life by planning effectively, and understanding that you're only human ... (Be patient with yourself)
• Read your bible and improve your relationship with God.
Understanding God will help you love yourself better and be in time with nature. He is nature.

    Finally, let me end this with a quote, "As a retired physician, I can honestly say that unless you are in a serious accident, your best chance of living to a ripe old age is to avoid doctors and hospitals and learn nutrition, herbal supplements, and other forms of natural medicine unless you are fortunate enough to have a naturopathic physician available.
Almost all drugs are toxic and are designed only to treat symptoms and not to cure anyone". - Dr. Alan Greenberg, M.D.

ARE WE REALLY MAD IN LAGOS?

   Inasmuch as u would love the topic to be a rhetoric one, I would appreciate your comments, how true is this?

Few months ago, I was driving to a pharmacy when an impatient driver came up beside me and tried to manoeuvre his way ahead, I stayed on my lane and observed all through till he brushed my side mirror.

I hit the pedal to the floor, overtook him, and then switched off the car engine. Passers-by stopped like an anthem was to be played, while motorists behind us waited patiently, like they were anticipating a fight ... none of them honked their horn!

I saw there was no dent, but the stage was already set for a drama - so the brawl started and I was really furious with this lad till a man on a bike (okada) rode up to me and asked, after taking a toothpick out of his mouth, "Den bash your car?"

"No,"

"Your light break?"

"NO!" I replied, "But why should he ..." "Make una wait," he interrupted, "operation MESA dey come for back". And that was all it took to get me in my car and we both sped off!

Lagos, the commercial hub of West Africa, is a mega-fast city, where no one plays a fool and where an innocent face could turn monstrous with little or no provocation.

There is commotion and noise almost everywhere as everyone is on the move (some of the people may not even know exactly where they are going, but that doesn't deter them from being in a hurry). Of course, you don't want to blow your cover that you're lost or walking aimlessly, lol.

In Lagos, being normal is crazy in a way, so it is not out of place to witness some cracked up scenes which, in normal climes, will be out of place but here in Lagos, we take them as normal occurrences ... In fact, we truly deserve some accolades.

Some Lagosians leave their house to work as early as 4am in order to beat the rush hour and woe betide you if, on your way back you experience a heavy downpour ... then the fight for public transport ensues, then there is serious traffic, and flood everywhere. Don't be dismayed, this situation is termed, 'Fashola is working'.

Lagosians can't be described in one word yet I can say this; an average Lagosian is smart, vocal, thick-skinned, easily provoked but surprisingly seems to play down anything that comes across as stress ... and we sure love good music, don't we?

In furtherance of the spirit of Lagos, I would like to share some funny things that happen only in Lagos and which makes Lagosians unique.

• It is only in Lagos that someone would step on you from behind and still accuse you of walking too slow ... (with a hiss!)

• The kind of traffic experienced in Lagos should be unlawful! Little wonder the state governor, Akinwunmi Ambode, is constructing a 4th mainland bridge. There are some roads in Lagos where the traffic is so congested that people sleep in the bus at night and when they get to their bus stop, they alight and turn back to start going back to work!

Exps: Ikorodu road, Ikotun, Apapa.

• Places of worship - I would say the proliferation of churches and mosques in Lagos is becoming unbearable, but I don't want to be thought of as a pagan and stoned to death, so I'll just continue ... apparently, mosques now hold services on Sundays too, with their sermons blaring through large Public Address Systems; on the other divide, like four churches per street would beat drums and sekèrés. All these translate to a conundrum for someone seeking to worship God in peace.

• Can we forget agege bread and ewa-agoyin? Aahhhhhhh ... (blushes). Give me, a typical omo-eko, mayo-spread on agege bread with ewa-agoyin and I will disseminate any information you want lol.

Lagosians, even those living in high-brow areas, do not play with this meal - they relish it. Even its aroma gratifies the palate; and this is one reason I miss Lagos whenever I travel out.

• In Lagos everybody is a hustler, whether rich or poor, but some exceptional hustlers these days are beggars. Their hustle is real and lit!

I was in a bus at CMS, I was exhausted from work and was waiting patiently for more passengers, then a guy joined me in front and we began chatting. Before long, a beggar came up to us, his shirt was tucked in and he wore pinstriped trousers; he spoke like he was forcing a whisper out, "Brothers please - you would never see hard days in your life. I am an ND holder in computer science and i am ashamed that I am lowered to this - please I went for a job interview in VI, it was during the interview I found out my wallet with all my transport money had dropped in the bus. The interview ended 12 and I've been walking since, I haven't eaten and I'm going to Apapa".

I was about to tell him that I hadn't eaten too and just had my bus fare with me when the passenger beside me snapped, "See this man! No be you den give money for the other bus? That money reach 350!".

He left quickly. Before we could say, 'driver, call passenger naa!' another man came along with a long grumpy face and said that - 'his son is in the hospital and needs immediate help to buy expensive drugs'.

We didn't say anything, we were just observing. How about the ones that are always in need of 50 naira to complete their transport money or to eat? Lagos na waoh!

• In Lagos, everybody wearing a uniform is an officer of the road - so when driving, you have to put on your 4G-multicolor eyes on, of not ... hmmm. Let me stop shaking this table cause my good uncle is seated there lol.

Some of them even hold camera phones as a veritable tool for the unwary pedestrian ... So when next you want to take a leak on the streets or cross the express, beware, you might just be 'Caught In The Act'.

TALES BY MOONLIGHT

So sometimes I go gothic, I'm sorry - my mind just gets twisted like that sometimes when I'm hungry ... or bored. Just like a certain controversial politician from Akwa-Ibom said they couldn't support the bill of the devil cause he would use them for pepper soup ... Lol.
Let me be that devil tonight, so grab your horns, pour some wine and let's drink to these little fables of which number 1 and 2 happened to me in reality; so they aren't exactly tales by moonlight *smiles*


1. Lost and Found

      Last month a friend rushed me out of the jetty to catch the match between Argentina and Crotia at a tush bar around complex, Lekki. After a few drinks I realized my phone wasn’t in my pocket. I checked the table we were sitting at, the bar, the restroom, and after no luck I used my friend’s phone to call mine.
 After two rings someone answered, and i said "Hello?" quivering and smiling sheepishly hoping to start begging. I waited for an answer but heard only a deep slow breath, then the person gave out a low raspy giggle, and hung up. They didn’t answer again.
I smiled sheepishly again as I returned to my seat. The girl sitting beside me was empathetic and recounted how she lost a phone too, I just smiled and shook my head, "My contacts".  I eventually gave it up as a lost cause and headed home. I found my phone laying on my nightstand, right where I left it.
I stay alone.



2. “Yeeeeeeeees?“

When I was a child my family moved to a big old two-floor house, with big empty rooms and creaking floorboards. Both my parents worked in LUTH idi-araba while i was the only child that schooled in Lagos, as a day-student, because of my frequent asthma attacks so I was often alone when I came home from school. One early evening when I came home the house was still dark.

I called out, “Mummy?” and heard her sing song voice say “Yeeeeees?” from upstairs. I called her again as I climbed the stairs to see which room she was in, and again got the same “Yeeeeees?” reply. She normally replied that way, slurringly dragging her words when she was busy.
She and my dad were fixing the interior designs (and all our calabar family pictures that would eventually make the house look like a gallery lol) at the time, and I didn’t know my way around the maze of rooms but she was in one of the far ones, right down the corridor.
 I felt uneasy, but I figured that was only natural so I rushed forward to see my mum, knowing that her presence would calm frayed nerves, as a mother’s presence always does.

Just as I reached for the handle of the door to let myself in to the room I heard the front door downstairs open and my mother call “Sweetie, are you home?” in a cheery voice. I was shook!!! I startled and ran down the stairs to her, but as I glanced back from the top of the stairs, the door to the room slowly opened a crack. For a brief moment, I saw something strange in there, and I don’t know what it was, but it was staring at me.
She had very long hair and a black face, no - my mum was on Anita baker ... I died.

3.  Yaba WHAT???

A man leaves his house every morning to work and passes Yaba-Left (a mental hospital) In the 70's it was surrounded by a wooden fence and every morning the patients are out in the yard and he can hear them saying in unison,

“10, 10, 10, 10, 10”.

One day, he gets curious and looks through a hole in the fence.

Suddenly, a stick shoots out and pokes him in the eye.

“JESUS!!! He says to himself.

While walking away vexing with himself he can hear the patients saying,

“11, 11, 11, 11, 11”


So that's all folks ... tomorrow is Monday, another jostling for transport before the cock crows and hoping not to see zombies on the way Lool.

Tchau!

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED ... DONALD J TRUMP IS BOSS!!! PART 2

... Continued from previous post

'President Trump encounters a foreign policy crisis.’
H.W. Brands is a professor of history at University of Texas at Austin

Worst case: President Trump encounters a foreign policy crisis. Lacking experience, he relies on his gut and makes a bad situation worse. His ego gets involved; he doubles down. The crisis escalates, leading to war (with Russia over the Baltics? China over Taiwan? North Korea? Iran?)

Best case: Americans discover that he didn’t mean much of what he said as a candidate. Forget the wall ... Mexicans are already training on wall climbing skills sef, so that one won't work. Forget a trade war with China. Forget scuttling NAFTA. Forget deporting 11 million immigrants. He recognizes that he needs help and surrounds himself with able advisers. How to avoid the worst and foster the best? I fear this is beyond the control of anyone besides Donald Trump.

 

‘Building the wall … is not part of a worst-case scenario.’
Alfonso Aquilar

Worst-case scenario: Trump requires undocumented immigrants without criminal records to leave the country. He doesn’t try to deport them, but puts in place measures to encourage self-deportation. Meanwhile, in the process of deporting criminal undocumented immigrants, many who haven’t committed crimes are also accidentally removed, separating families. Building the wall, contrary to what Democrats would like to make Americans believe, is not part of a worst-case scenario since every immigration reform package that has been discussed in the U.S Congress has included fencing. There is money already appropriated by previous Congresses to expand fencing. The Secure Fence Act, which then Senator Clinton voted for, calls for setting up double-layer fencing along 700 miles of the southern border.

Best-case scenario: Trump builds the wall and reduces considerably the illegal entry of foreign nationals, and works with Congress to pass legislation to mandate E-Verify so employers cannot hire undocumented workers and to set up an Entry-Exit system that identifies visa overstayers so they can be removed immediately. And, after these measures are being executed, he also proposes and passes a bill that provides a path to legal status—not citizenship—to undocumented immigrants without criminal records. He got 29 percent of the Latino vote, more than anyone expected, and outperformed Mitt Romney with Latinos. If he is able to deal with the issue constructively and deal with non-criminal undocumented immigrants in a reasonable way, that number will get close to 40 percent or more in the next election.
How does he accomplish the best-case scenario? By ensuring that influential leaders who have strongly supported him and who are trusted by members of Congress who oppose comprehensive immigration reform like Senator Sessions, help him get all of these measures—including the path-to-legal status component—through both chambers, persuading more conservative members that these pieces of legislation are consistent with conservative principles. Trump will also need the support of Latino leaders to sell his immigration agenda to the general pubic and the Latino community.

 

‘A Trump presidency may give the legislature the chance to restore some of its long-lost luster.’
John McLaughlin

The worst-case scenario would come about in the Trump presidency if he simply turns out to be who he says he is. I, and i'm sure most Nigerians too, hope he lied on some of his promises just to get electoral votes.
Just tick through the list of things he’s promised and you will end up with nuclear weapons spreading, trade wars with countries in Asia and the Western Hemisphere, a Russia freer to meddle in the affairs of neighbors, and allies doubting America’s fidelity to treaty commitments. Yet if he walks away from these positions, he starts to look to his hard core supporters like just another politician who says things only to get elected—leading to still more cynicism among American voters.

The best case is one in which, through some combination of input from his advisers, intelligence briefings, and Trump’s own business-related intuition, he comes to understand the complexities of the current international environment—and, importantly, is able to avoid the decisional paralysis that sometimes results from such an understanding. In other words, he sorts through international issues with the pragmatism you would expect from someone with a previous history of managing a bottom line in a business environment. He has given no public evidence that this is his likely approach, so it’s wait-and-see time, keeping-your-fingers-crossed time ... funny enough, this is kind of synonymous to the much awaited change Nigerians yearned for, we were given promises, kept our fingers crossed and gave President Buhari a benefit of doubt, but then we were sold a spoon of rice for the price of a plate, fell into a recession, which we are still grappling with by the way, and then his party took the blame game to a whole new level by blaming all past democratic governments. Woe betide the United States of America if they face the same fate, cause we gambled that way ... yeah, das how we roll! Not ALSI or NYSE gambling but betting on 8years of your life.

Now back to the real-estate tycoon, the chances of Trump avoiding major errors in security policy would be enhanced if the Congress, and especially the Senate, more effectively played its constitutional role as a check against excessive presidential power, in addition to challenging foolish ideas. With a president-elect who has spoken only in the broadest generalities about his policies, it’s vital that someone in addition to the White House weigh proposals carefully. Congress’ standing with the public is very low, but a Trump presidency may give the legislature the chance to restore some of its long-lost luster.

 

‘The way for the best-case scenario to happen is for him to appoint largely non-ideological businesspeople to senior positions’
Alec Ross is author of The Industries of the Future

The worst-case scenario: Women lose their reproductive freedom. There are mass deportations. There is a religious test for entry into America. Denying climate change becomes official policy and the U.S exits its agreements. Their international alliances are effectively terminated. The orientation of economic policy-making is rooted in yesterday's industries and does not account for the rise of robotics and intelligence. Trump governs as an autocratic strongman instead of the leader of a single branch of government in a democratic state. The Department of Justice and FBI become Trump's Federal'naya sluzhba bezopasnosti Rossiyskoy Federatsii (FSB). In short, America's 70 year run as the world's leader effectively ends.

The best-case scenario is that Trump’s zeal to “win” trumps ideology, and he governs only looking to cut deals where he can declare victory. Trade deals are executed with substantial worker protections. China is bullied into dialing back its mass theft of intellectual property. European states increase their contributions to NATO as a condition of participation. Immigration reform is enacted in a way that allows Republicans to declare victory without victimizing hard-working people who have made America their home.
The way for the best-case scenario to happen is for him to appoint largely non-ideological businesspeople to senior positions and for him to keep the neo-fascists who drove much of his campaign on the sidelines. He’ll view the characters of his recent political past like minor characters on The Apprentice that can be cowed or dismissed.

 

    Finally, Getting a President Trump to adopt these positions will not be easy, but his advisers need to point out to him that many of his more significant predecessors reneged on their campaign promises that had the effect of making America great.
Mr. Trump’s advisers can help him move in that direction by pointing out to him that because of the reputation that he brings to the office, he can make these things happen more easily than someone with a more traditional view. In other words, given the hardline statements he has made about these issues, his supporters would not expect him to make these more reasonable decisions. But if he does, it would be hard for them to turn against him. Just as only Nixon could go to China, or Reagan could propose eliminating all nuclear weapons, only someone like him could make these things happen.

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED ... DONALD J TRUMP IS BOSS!!! PART 1

Think what you want about him. There's one thing that nobody can deny, whether they're a democrat, a republican, or an independent...  Trump has been successful.

Sure, he started off with an inheritance, but in the course of his career as a real estate developer and investor, Donald Trump has multiplied the several million dollar nest egg he received, into the famous, multi-billion dollar fortune he flaunts today.
That makes for career gains of literally hundreds of thousands of percent — with his net worth rising by as much as a factor of 1000.
How did he do it?

On Tuesday, when Donald Trump defied the polls, the Clinton machine and much of his own party establishment to become president-elect of the United States, he also became the closest thing to a black swan event ever seen in American politics: Statistically unlikely, rationalized only in hindsight—and carrying an impact that could be off the known charts. Even here in Nigeria, my fellow citizens were shell-shocked to say the least. How we one enter obodo oyibo? I feel Wole Soyinka's pain lol.

On one hand, Trump is a pragmatic businessman with a very flexible ideology and a desire to be seen in a positive light; on the other, he’s a ruthless and often improvisational dealmaker with no allegiance to the norms and institutions that set the boundaries for traditional political power. And in 10 weeks he’ll be commander-in-chief. Hmmmm ...

 

What could happen? Here’s where i'm hoping the experts can come in. Below, are some sketched out worst-case and best-case scenarios—and then, most important, what it would take to achieve the latter.

 

 

‘Top talent in the GOP (and maybe Democrats) [must] … ensure that Trump doesn’t become isolated or isolate himself.’ ... Ian Bremmer

I, Donald J Trump, do solemnly swear that I will …

The best-case scenario for the United States: President Trump, angry at those who say he has no idea how to be president, appoints experienced, knowledgeable, capable and disciplined people to advise him—and he follows their advice. He dismisses the value of ideology, moves beyond identity politics, embraces a realist view of the world and saves the America First message for a domestic audience. Allies hedge their bets on Trump’s intentions, but personal reassurances from the president himself ensure this is a gradual rather than a sudden process.

The worst-case: Trump tries to keep his promises, but discovers that many are illegal or impossible to implement. He really does ignite a trade war with China, try to deport huge numbers of illegal immigrants, tells Japan, South Korea and Saudi Arabia to get nuclear weapons, undermines all confidence in the U.S. commitment to NATO at a time when America needs as many allies as possible. He faces pushback even from Republicans. He gets angry. He listens only to slavish loyalists. He looks to protect himself and vindicate his position with public messages that further divide an already divided country. He responds to a terrorist attack on Americans with a series of measures that exacerbate some problems without solving others.

How best to get to the best-case scenario: Top talent in the GOP (and maybe Democrats) honor Trump’s victory by pledging to work in his administration, and they work to ensure that Trump doesn’t become isolated or isolate himself. Trump himself needs to bolster his own confidence by going for some quick policy wins on taxes, infrastructure spending, etc. Trump is encouraged to work for success rather than vindication.
Best of luck, President Trump. Good luck, America.

‘A best-case scenario for Trump would be for him to rationally pursue his policy objectives.’
Francis Fukuyama

A best-case scenario for Trump would be for him to rationally pursue his policy objectives: controlling illegal immigration, trying to renegotiate trade agreements and pursuing a non-interventionist foreign policy.

A worst-case scenario would be for him to use up a lot of political capital at the start of his administration prosecuting Hillary Clinton, suing women who accused him of harassment and changing the libel laws so that he can sue journalists who write critical stories about him. Oh, and also inviting Russian and Chinese aggression by undermining the U.S. alliance system.

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Though he was elected in the end, he did not pursue this goal rationally but rather spent time attacking Miss Universe, the Khan family, etc. To get to the best-case scenario you have to take away his Twitter and force him not to chase his various demons, as was evidently done in the last week of the campaign. Seriously though, i know tweeps have a way of getting under one's skin, even if you have genuine intentions and Mr. Trump can't just ignore, can he? The other time we attacked him he said we can't even produce pencils and matches here in Nigeria lol ... Well, he speaks the truth, and shame to us, but that shouldn't be the response of an elected president; so please, someone should take care of Oga's twitter handle.
And then someone should persuade him that allies are actually useful. Like seriously! This will require having a staff that understands the realities of the exercise of American power internationally, and rebuilding bridges to the foreign policy experts that were so alienated by his pronouncements during the campaign.

 

 ... to be continued.

HEALTH BENEFITS OF BITTER KOLA

 Bitter Kola is a tree that grows in the rain forests of West Africa. The fruit, seeds, nuts and bark of the plant have been used for centuries in folk medicine to treat ailments from coughs to fever.
Basically, the nut is about 3-5 cm in length. It is ellipsoid in shape and covered with a deep brown peel which is removed before it is eaten. It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when eaten and this is the reason for its name.
The scientific name for bitter kola is Garcinia kola. It is called Orogbo in Yoruba. The Hausas call it Miji-goro, while it is called Akiilu by the Igbos. This African wonder also has some stunning health benefits.

Bitter Kola: BITE ME!

Bitter Kola was eaten mostly by the elderly people because of their belief that it could prolong life. But the truth is that researches in modern science have revealed that bitter kola contains chemical compounds that will help the breakdown of glycogen in the liver and has other medicinal uses which account for its longevity property in man. “Bitter kola is anti-poison too, it has the ability to repel evil men and spirits, it could sound superstitious but it works. The naturalist even said that the seed and the bark of bitter kola should be eaten together in cases where food poisoning is suspected, “it helps to detoxify the system”.

1. It Improves Lung Functions:  
Bitter kola (Garcinia kola) has been used for centuries to treat chest colds in traditional medicine, but research has taken a look and found out why it is effective. A study in the 2009 issue of The Internet Journal of Pulmonary Medicine, performed on mice, reports that Garcinia kola improved respiratory function after 28 days of use of a Garcinia extract. Written by Simon Adekunle of the Ekiti State University in Nigeria, the study shows that Garcinia kola works by dilating the alveolar ducts and sacs in the lungs by improving the strength of the fibres in the lung tissue. Bitter kola’s beneficial lung properties are attributed to its high antioxidant content.

2. Anti-malarial Properties              
Considerable experimental studies discovered that the chemical constituents in bitter kola have anti-malaria properties. Also, over the years, traditional healers have recommended bitter kola for the treatment of malaria infections. Researchers who reported that bitter kola had anti-malaria effect in the 2010 issue of Journal of Medicinal Plants Research, from a survey of plants used by traditional healers in the Democratic Republic of Congo, attributed this to its Quinone’s content. Furthermore, Kolaviron, the powerful chemical compound found in bitter kola, was reportedly tested on a malaria parasite and found to inhibit malarial activity.

3. Improves Male Fertility
Garcinia kola, also called bitter kola is sometimes believed to cure impotence. Frequent taking of bitter kola boosts a man’s performance in bed with a woman. It purifies the blood, acts as a vaso-dilator, and gives rich sperm quality ... this also involves motility, meaning say, your sperm go dey run go fast like danfo for 3MB.

4. Reduces Eye Pressure (Glaucoma)   
An increase in eye pressure can lead to glaucoma, according to a report from The New York Times Health Guide. Researchers at Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH, Idi-araba) in Nigeria tested the effectiveness of eye drops that contained 0.5 percent extract of Garcinia kola. The results of their study, published in the January 2010 issue of Middle East African Journal of Opthamology, showed that the opthamolic solution that contained the Garcinia significantly reduced eye pressure when used twice a day.

5. Health Benefit for HIV   
Bitter kola is a potent antibiotic which could be efficacious in the treatment of HIV and AIDS. A researcher with the Nigeria Natural Medicine Development Agency (NNMDA), Mrs. Chinyere Nwokeke told the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) that bitter kola could be used in treating opportunistic infections associated with HIV. “Bitter kola is highly recommended in the treatment of HIV and AIDS because of its antibacterial, detoxification, and cleansing properties”, she said. Mrs Chinyere Nwokeke also said that the chemical, Saponin, in bitter kola is responsible for its cleansing effect. Saponin is mainly used as tonic for the liver, it enhances the functions of the liver and gall bladder.

6. Remedy For Osteoarthritis
Osteoarthritis is the most common form of arthritis, characterised by pain, inflammation and limited movement in the joints, according to the National Institutes of Health. Causes of osteoarthritis can include joint injury, obesity and aging. Since many arthritis sufferers prefer natural herbal medicines to other pain relievers and medications, researchers at Obafemi Awolowo University in Nigeria tested the effects of Garcinia kola against arthritis symptoms. The results of the study, written by Olayinka O. Adegbehingbe and published in the July 2008 issue of the Journal of Orthopaedic Surgery and Research, conclude that Garcinia kola significantly reduced inflammation and pain and increased joint movement in subjects that had osteoarthritis symptoms.

7. Cure For Cold
Bitter kola is often used to treat the symptoms of colds. It is suggested, in particular, for coughs, sneezing, and bronchitis ... it helped me a lot when i used to have asthma (but do not take more than your head can carry unless you'd have a hard time sleeping!).

8. Commercial Benefits
Commercialization of bitter kola brings a lot of monetary advantages. Due to its multiple benefits, bitter kola is urgently sourced for both locally and internationally, hence yielding a lot of foreign revenue. With just a little quantity in kilograms, as requested by the buyer, with good and proper packaging, one can make a lot of profit in foreign currency. One just needs to be able to get a good buyer and knowledge about the business and start reaping the benefits.
In Nigeria today, bitter kola should become an important commodity to be sourced for by every citizen for its nutritional, health and commercial benefits, especially now that the government is encouraging exports of our local produce.

DADDY?? WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM? - SEX EDUCATION

Starting early with age-appropriate information about sex is a good idea

Curiosity about sex is a natural step from learning about the body. Sex education helps kids understand about the body and helps them feel positive about their own bodies. Younger kids are interested in pregnancy and babies, rather than the mechanics of sex.
The topic question is more often than not thrown at parents in this clime, and i should give modern day technology i.e., the internet 3 GBOSA for grooming our kids in its own evil ways. If your children ask you this question and you can't give them a plausible answer lol, i'm very sorry for you be sure that they'll look for the next available smart phone and type the same question.

In our days we weren't so tech-savvy so our parents didn't see the need to talk about the clearly uncomfortable topic, but we can't say the same of our kids.
And we are always so busy about making money and trying to make up for lost time in traffic by doing all the wrong things once we get home and forget the most important things. Most Lagosians who work on the Island and reside on the mainland hardly ever sleep! 

Discussing sex is also part of starting open communication with your child. Early, honest, and open communication between parents and kids is very important, especially when your child becomes an adolescent. If open communication is normal, kids are more likely to speak with parents about all the other trials of adolescence, such as depression, relationships, and the abuse of drugs and alcohol, as well as sexual issues.
Beginning a conversation about sex early and continuing that conversation as the child grows is the best sex education strategy. It lets parents avoid giving one big, and likely uncomfortable talk when the child reaches adolescence (and will have already gotten information and misinformation from their friends). These conversations are easiest when they come out of a life experience, like seeing a pregnant woman or a baby.
When parents talk with their children about sex, they can make sure that they are getting the right information.  Parents should be a child’s first source of information about sex. Understanding correct information can protect children from risky behaviour as they grow up.

Instilling your family values

Sex education also provides an opportunity to instill your family values in your kids. For example, if you come from a family that believes intercourse should be saved for marriage, this can be part of the discussions about sexuality. If the subject has never come up before, there is significant risk that your child, now a teenager, will not be receptive to this message.

If parents do not teach their children about sex, they will learn about it from somewhere else

A child’s exposure to information about sex begins much earlier than many parents imagine. Not speaking with children about sex means parents will have little control over what and how they learn about sex. What they learn from wrong sources might stick in and when you "eventually" tell them, they might feel you're lying. It is no news that children of these days are very curious when it comes to sex-related issues and they are very perceptive. Personally, i would advise parents not to give their kids smart phones till they are through with their senior WAEC.

School, schoolyard, and the media

Parents should not rely on the school system to teach sex education. Depending on where you live, sex education may not even be available. If your child is taught sex education at school, review it with your child. Ask them what they learned.
What a child learns from friends and in the schoolyard will be incomplete and incorrect. It may also be demeaning or even dangerous.
Although the media is full of sex and sexuality, it is mostly depicted in the most sensational and superficial sense. Realistic portrayals of relationships and sexuality are rare. More often, issues around sex and sexuality appear either without any context or without any emotional or relationship component. Moreover, the risks of sexual activity are often hyped beyond the point teens will believe.

Sex education is safer than no sex education

Studies show the more children are exposed to sexual images in the media, the more likely it is they will engage in sexual behaviours at a younger age. However, actual sex education does NOT lead to promiscuity. Children who receive sex education at home are actually less likely to engage in risky sexual activity. So turn off the television and get talking. (C'mon, they shouldn't even be watching Timaya's "Shake Ya Bum Bum" before you bring this up!).

Having open communications with children about sex and other matters is healthy and safer in the long run. This does not necessarily mean it will be easy or without awkward moments. Teens are still very private people. However, speaking about sex early increases the chance that teens will approach parents when difficult or dangerous things come up.

 

Drop your comments on what you think ... and follow my blog plsssss :)

IS GETTING A JOB A PRE-REQUISITE FOR GETTING MARRIED?

     Some months ago when Pastor E.A. Adeboye said that Christian spinsters should not marry jobless men, many critics took to social media (even a former Nigerian pastor!) and threw shades at the man of God and dissected this particular statement amongst others. Their major grievance was that God created woman out of man to be his helper, and God’s blessings and grace are abundant on newly married couples. The bible speaks to us in context but most people fail to see this and would rather interpret it to justify their conscience.

 

Irrespective of whose axe is gored, I personally think a man has to find work in his hands before proposing to a woman. I have been in this boat so I know what I am talking about. I’ll use the experience of Kikelomo as a case study, whose mother toiled with her father while they courted; her father was unemployed initially while her mother worked as a banker.                                                                                                                                                                  She endured the hardship, supported him financially and emotionally and fought her family relentlessly till they both tied the knot. Though they got married, most of the financial burden was on her mother as she emptied her account to fund the ‘not-so-elaborate’ wedding. She had turned deaf ears to her parent’s plea to test other rivers and ditch her heartthrob, so her parents came reluctantly but didn’t contribute any “alala” (as my father would say lol).                                             Her father later got a job at NLNG as a reservoir engineer – one would think that this would come as a blessing but their marriage rather took a downward trajectory.

1.       He suddenly stopped being a loving husband

2.       He traveled often (saying he was looking for greener pastures for the family)

3.       He started spotting all his wife’s flaws he once overlooked

4.       He distanced himself from his family and drew closer to his elder sister

5.       He became an unrepentant womanizer

Her mother had a hole in her heart no one could fill, her spirit thinned out like a single poker card. Then one day, she called Kikelomo to her room and said, “Do you know that jeep your Aunt uses? … Your father bought it for her. He said his mother is getting old and can’t be walking up and down. That new contract he just got too, I told him to give me money to start a supermarket, he said he wants to invest in his sister’s farm that when his investment yields interest, he will give me”.            Her mother told her this, regrettably, against the backdrop of how her father now treated the family now that she was jobless. She advised Kikelomo not to marry an unemployed man for the sake of love.

Now 7 years later, Kikelomo met Dennis, a Master’s degree holder (who is currently running a Ph.D program in Unilag); she loves Dennis so much and wants to get married to him by hook or crook. Dennis is unemployed. He however, applies for jobs day-in, day-out and does some menial blue-collar jobs to keep mind, body, and soul together.                                                                                             As often as it is said, the past is a foreign country – Kikelomo feels this way and wants to marry Dennis against all odds. She told her mum men are different, that her mum should pray for her positively. Kikelomo is now 25 and works at a multi-national company as a network programmer. Now, would you advise Kike to go ahead and marry her knight in a ‘… not so shiny amour?’ or to hold on a bit, or test other waters as her mother advised?    Let us consider the reality and leave out bias, because I am a man also. Most men are generally uncomfortable when their women become more successful than they are. You can imagine what it will be if the man has no job at all. Mind games would set in and, on the one hand, he would think that his wife is sleeping with other men to make up for the anomaly in the home (because that’s what it is), and might not believe her when she says she got her salary reviewed and raised. On the other hand, she would get easily irritated and upset that he didn’t help her with any house chore but kept them all for her … love alone can’t handle these.

As a man, when you do not have a job the translation is that you are not ready for marriage. For any man to wear the marriage belt, he should at least have a job, own a house (even a self-contained apartment) and be willing to cater for someone else. Outside that, the man will never be happy in that house – he can only pretend to be. The onus lies on the man to provide for his family, if he ignores this responsibility and is driven by his emotions to get married, the adverse effect could have a negative multiplier-effect on his marriage:

1.       His ego would naturally be bruised (because his friends would be working)

2.       He would feel his wife is ‘suddenly’ getting authoritative and bossy

3.       He would stop helping her with chores after a quarrel or two

4.       Sub-consciously, he would start scheming of other ways he can display his masculinity

5.       His wife will become easily irritated

6.       It is more intense when kids are involved

 

Even his family members and friends won’t be happy with him and no wife will equally be happy when she’s seen as the Commander-in-Chief while her husband becomes follower.                               A lot of women have had to go through pains in the hands of some jobless men who squander their money, beat them up (in some cases), and accuse them of having extra-marital affairs; this is the same marriage they so stridently advocated for.                                                                                        The end result is usually a divorce or he gets a good job and then the tables would turn … the dilemma would now take an interestingly new turn after the erstwhile jobless hubby finds a good paying job. It is often said, money reveals a man’s true character:

 

1.       He doesn’t just regain his lost masculinity, but assumes position as Lord of the Manor

2.       He would find a way of hoarding his money

3.       If he was a flirt, being temporarily broke wouldn’t draw the virus out of his bloodstream … he just put a pause to the habit. He would now become a chronic womanizer

4.       The wife will, slowly but certainly, become a nagging woman

I should categorically state here that a few good men defy these imbroglio and end up being loving husbands. These are the men we should emulate; and by their fruits you shall know them … (they fear God).

However, it turns out to be a different kettle of fish if the man initially had a job before getting married and then lost it as a husband. The psyche of he and his wife would be much more positive and she would be naturally inclined to respect his ideas. The choice of a life partner is not a very cheap one. It is a decision that can make or mar your joy for a whole lifetime, so be wise. The bible also told us that the woman is a helper – that’s the way she was designed, that’s why the case of gender equality on the home front is flawed. The woman is not supposed to bear the entire burden in the family alone; we shouldn’t live in ignorance of the word of God.

Let us not deceive ourselves with ‘only the emotional aspects’ of love and disregard its true meaning. African men especially, are simply not cut out for this kind of arrangement; a woman with a jobless man will have to do double work to sustain that marriage, or she should pray that it avails for only a short while before succor comes. Prayer breaks all boundaries, no doubt, and a wife that prays with, and for her husband can weather any storm. But the fact a couple or two walked down the aisle this way shouldn’t give one leeway to walk down that road. You might not be so lucky! Your spouse might turn out to be the monster you never knew. She might actually be guilty of infidelity and become bossy just to show her frustration with you – what will you do?     “Oya goan find money na!!? I’m tired”, would be her reply.                                                                                   

Woman, what if that loving, energetic guy (who loved working out) suddenly stopped being hardworking, would just watch DSTV everyday and eat all the food in the fridge, leave all the plates and clothes for you (well, he certainly would!) and you still find out he’s cheating on you? Is that the kind of marriage you envisaged?            Edakun ooo … me I am just talking my own, lol, I am not trying to burst anybody’s bubble. I fear that my conclusions may appear trivial and mundane to some, but trust me, finance is key and a major factor for any home to succeed and let me re-iterate here that “Love alone cannot sustain a marriage”. I think the man and the woman planning to get married should have something doing because nobody will come from elsewhere to pay their bills. It takes two to tango.

Please advise Kikelomo on what to do through your comments, it is a True Life Story.